I was browsing around, and I noticed this banner ad:Well, what if I vote “No”? What would I want with this shirt then?
To soak in gasoline, maybe? To dress scarecrows?
These “Vote” advertisements get dumber every day.

What is the internet, really? When we get down to the tangible stuff of the internet, it’s nothing more than a bunch of pits and grooves on hard drives all over the world. But like any other abstract concept (like love, trust and freedom), the internet means many different things to different people. Here’s a breakdown by age:

Children 0-5 years old: The internet is what keeps them away from mommy. It’s like a TV, but with letters. And that’s kind of dumb, since Sesame Street isn’t on there.

6-10: Something amazing was discovered: Sesame Street IS on the internet! Mom just has to show you where it’s hiding! She types something in, and you can make Elmo sing and dance over and over AND OVER AGAIN FOREVER! This sometimes annoys mom, but that’s why it’s hilarious. The internet is an extension of the TV.

11-15:
With the ability to read and write comes the ability to get in on other people’s drama. The internet consists of three websites: Myspace (to hear about other people’s bizness), YouTube (for funny wipeout videos and the new “Soulja Boy” remix) and Wikipedia (for school research). The internet is a mix of TV for ADD-types, and an extension of the school hallways, where you can hurl insults at your inferiors, or gossip with your friends. AIM, MSN and Yahoo Instant Messenger have always existed. There is a little extension of the internet that lives on your cell phone. This extension is called “text messaging”.

16-20:
The internet is part of the daily currency of life, and is the final authority for everything. If you want to know if a company is legitimate or not, check their website. If there’s no website, there’s obviously a problem. When making a new friend, instead of jotting down email addresses, they only spell-check the full name, so they could “facebook” them.

20-30:
The internet is a way to make and save money. Internet jobs, internet specials, online textbook deals, they’re all ways for you to increase your cash flow. You can get rich posting videos, blogging, or web-surfing. If something is a certain price in a store, it’s most definitely half price on ebay. Music and videos are free on the internet, and free is good. Craigslist is an object of veneration.

30-40:
The internet can be confusing at times, but the gist of it is understood. It’s a place for lonely singles to meet, and for checking bank and stock trading accounts. Some remember the days when forms were filled out and mailed, but the internet is all about making things easier. It’s easier to pay your taxes, check your mail, stay in contact with family and read the paper.
New friends exchange email addresses

40-55:
The internet is like mailbox with a typewriter and screen. It zips emails off to other people’s online inboxes. There’s also a way to talk to other people for free , but it’s a little confusing (Skypipe, or something like that…) It’s good for sending some very funny stories to all of your friends, and for helping out little girls with cancer, just by forwarding the tragic news to everyone. Apparently, the American Cancer Society just wants you to forward the email, and they’ll give the poor girl three cents. The internet is a great philanthropic tool. ALSO, EMAILS ARE BEST UNDERSTOOD IN CAPS. THANK YOU. Any computer problem is automatically judged to be a virus. If the screen doesn’t turn on, it’s a virus. If the printer doesn’t print, it’s a virus. The internet is a wasps nest of viruses. Some people in this age group have discovered facebook, but cannot understand why their kids dont “friend” them.
New friends exchange phone numbers.

55-70:
The internet is what your children use when they print out pictures of your grandkids. There’s an air of mystery to it, but thankfully there are experienced people everywhere to help. If there’s ever a website that is listed on the nightly news or newspaper, write it down, and give it to someone who knows how to websurf. The younger someone is, the more they know about the internet. Then sit by them, and dictate what you want them to do (go down! wait, i’m reading! forget it, just print the website!”)

70+:
The internet is evil. There are scams everywhere. If a company has a website, be suspicious of it: they are up to no good. Senior citizens should not venture into the waters of the internet, no matter what, since they are preyed upon. Home computers, touchscreen pads and cell phones are threatening. The government is watching you through the computer. Stories of diseases, or “viruses” abound, and anything digital should be considered infected. Evil “hackers” will break into your house through the computer monitor.